mommyhood, Booyah Mom

When The Gender Reveal Reveal’s Sadness, Just Know You Are Not Alone.

I’ve always wanted children. It was never a matter of if, it was when. As a teenager I always thought it would be amazing to have a son and then a daughter. I guess because I secretly wished I had an older brother. But, if it boiled down to it, I really wanted a daughter. I wanted a relationship like I had with my mom, a mother and daughter bond that was more like best friends. My mom and I joked that we were the Gilmore Girls. We related to that show on so many levels. It was always just me and my mom against the world. And we had such fun!

Tragically, my mom passed away when I was 30. Ten years after her passing, I got pregnant. It was a bittersweet moment. I was elated that I was finally going to be a mom, but a motherless mother was not something I was prepared for. Embarking on the journey of motherhood without my mom’s guidance was difficult, but I was convinced in my heart that I was going to have a girl, and that girl would somehow mend a piece of my broken heart.

Continue reading “Gender Disappointment” →

FIRST TIME MOTHERHOOD
OVER 40
DURING A PANDEMIC
WHILE TRYING TO CONCIEVE

Loneliness

Being a stay-at-home-mom, over 40, during a pandemic was a lonely experience.

Not many of my friends were at the beginning of their parenting adventure. They had teenagers or young adults. Many were becoming empty nesters. They were traveling, going out all the time, and having gatherings and parties where kids were not invited.

I, on the other hand, had an energetic toddler as my permanent sidekick.

My pre-baby life was filled with things to do, places to go, and people to see. After giving birth to my sweet baby boy, things changed. I became a mother that prioritized caring for her baby over everything else. I entered this parental cocoon that never really went away. Mostly because we had no family nearby and the majority of our friends were on different paths that weren’t inclusive of young children.

For the first year, my partner and I only went out three times without our son. Once because his grandparents were in town and could watch him for an afternoon while we went to run errands. Another time, a friend watched him while we went to a concert. And he spent a weekend with his grandparents while we attended a friend’s wedding.

The second year was 2020, “The Great Pause,” the year of the pandemic. We all experienced the isolation that the lockdown, social distancing, and stay-at-home orders produced. A part of me enjoyed all of the quality time I got to spend with my son, but another part of me cried out for social interaction. I yearned to talk to someone about adult topics, to go places, to eat out, to be involved in the community.

2021 brought more freedom to our world, albeit a cautious freedom. The virus was still a concern and we remained mostly isolated. We also began trying for a sibling for our son, which proved to be an emotional rollercoaster marked by several losses. My age has never been an issue for me, but I started to question whether or not it was going to make expanding our family an impossibility.

The Rainbow After The Storm

IN 2022 OUR RAINBOW ARRIVED !

I know several people who have experienced the pain of pregnancy loss. It is something you would never wish upon another human being. It upends your world in ways that are unimaginable.

Trying to conceive (TTC) and pregnancy loss at any age is a difficult journey, but when you are in your 40’s it can feel completely overwhelming. Your biological clock is ticking so loud that it is deafening. And with each loss, your enthusiasm about pregnancy diminishes.

TTC was a lonely experience for me. I was constantly peeing on sticks to see when I was ovulating or if I was pregnant, tracking my basal body temperature, and keeping records of it all. I was doing everything a pregnant woman should do in order to maintain the perfect vessel for a new life to enter and grow. My body was no longer my own. I was keeping it at a place where if I did become pregnant, it would be as hospitable to new life as it could be. I avoided supplements that I wanted to take, alcohol, certain foods, certain essential oils, and anything that was considered a no-no during pregnancy. It was an obsession, and it was one I did alone. Because after a couple times of sharing my excitement of a pregnancy with my partner and close friends, only to find that it was no longer viable, I stopped communicating. Every single day was a TTC rollercoaster that I rode alone. I didn’t want to drag anyone else into it anymore.

When I was 40 and we tried for my son, I had no issues getting pregnant. We had only a couple months of negative pregnancy tests before I got my big fat positive (BFP). It was mainly due to me not knowing the timing of it all. I got an ovulation kit and was pregnant that month. For our second pregnancy, things weren’t as easy. It took over two years and several losses. But at age 44, the baby dust settled in and our little rainbow stuck!

Rainbow Baby

I was cautiously optimistic when I saw that positive pregnancy test. I had been down this road before. But when the lines darkened and I got my very first dye stealer (when the HCG hormone (pregnancy hormone) is so high that the test line steals the dye from the control line; causing it to be darker.) I was certain this was the one!

I had kept it to myself long enough and started to share the amazing news! I only shared it with those closest to me. I waited until after our 10 week appointment and receiving our results from the genetic and gender test to tell others.

Being pregnant and caring for an energetic preschooler has been a whole new set of challenges, but I feel so blessed to be on this journey. I’m now 45, pregnant, and still feel lonely, but I know that this time with my babies will be fleeting. This sacred time of growth and exploration is such a blessing and I want to embrace it for all that it is. I may be lacking all the adult interaction I had before, but I have these two little souls to travel alongside now. My heart is full.