Gender Disappointment

The Gender Reveal

It’s A…

Since I was 40 years young and considered to be of advanced maternal age, at 10 weeks gestation I was given a genetic test. The NIPT (Non-Invasive Prenantal Test) screens for chromosomal anomalies and genetic conditions such as Down syndrome or Turner syndrome. It also reveals the gender of your baby. I was happy to receive all of this news as early as I could.

At 10 weeks, I had blood drawn and then waited anxiously for the results. 

The nurse from the birthing center called me less than a week later. She told me that my baby had no genetic conditions and then asked if I wanted to know the gender. I said yes, but asked her to wait until I put the phone on speaker so my partner could hear the gender as well. 

I put the phone on speaker and waited to hear, “It’s a girl!”

But instead we heard, “It’s a boy!”

She was so happy for us and congratulated us with sincere joy. My partner was smiling ear to ear. All the while, my heart sunk. I felt a wave of anxiety flow through me. I feigned excitement to the nurse and to myself for a moment. But when the phone call was disconnected, reality hit. I was having a boy.

I was not happy. I was terrified. I was sad. I was anxious. I was feeling shaky and rocked to my core. I must have heard her wrong. I started crying. What should have been tears of joy were tears of complete devastation. And I felt like a total monster. I should be happy. I should be excited. 

I didn’t want a boy. I wanted a girl. Ever since I saw that second pink line on the pregnancy test, (years before that, actually) I had imagined my baby girl. I talked to her in my tummy. The narratives I had in my head and in my heart were all centered around a baby girl. SHE was going to make me a mom. 

I lived in my grief for a while. It was grief. I grieved the loss of my idealized girl. I felt guilty and ashamed for being so upset. I shouldn’t be grieving the loss of this girl that only existed in my head, I should be grateful I was healthy and I was carrying a healthy baby.

And I was grateful. Extremely grateful. But I was still experiencing gender disappointment.

I tried to hide it and pretend like I was excited about my baby boy, but it was days, maybe weeks before I came to terms with the fact I was having a boy. 

Acceptance

As silly as it sounds, the first step in helping me get through gender disappointment was to go to the store and purchase a couple of cute baby boy outfits. I headed directly to the boy’s section and avoided the girls’ section entirely.

I despised all the boy stuff covered in trains, tractors, trucks, superheroes, and dinosaurs. I decided the theme of his nursery would be stars and space, so I searched for anything with stars. Retail therapy proved to be a crucial step in my acceptance that I was carrying a little boy.

I also went online and read blogs by other boy moms.There seemed to be an overall consensus that little boys loved their mamas something fierce. You become their queen and they become your prince. They will be your little protector and always there to comfort you. The mother and son bond is strong and lifelong.

I discovered benefits to having a boy and decided to concentrate on those things. Things like:

• Diapering is easier.
• Public restroom visits would be easier since boys can stand to pee.
• There would be lots of excitement and adventures that I wasn’t used to.
• Hair, accessories, and clothing would be lower maintenance and less expensive.
• I would get to help raise a kind and respectful gentleman.